Anyone with a passing interest in rock music has, for the last few weeks been going absolutely spare what with the announcement that one of the 70's most revered and infamous bands (Led Zeppelin for those of you living in a cave) are to reform for a series of gigs. Over a million people tried to register for tickets when the website went live, most of them middle-aged bank managers whose days of shaking their flare-clad hips to the pulsating blues of 'Rock and Roll' and 'Black Dog' are but a distant memory.
The band members are set to make millions from their brief appearances, thus adding another layer of diamonds to their respective toilet seats, while corporate promoter Harvey Goldsmith laughes all the way to his, I imagine by now, enormous bank vault. The money generated every second by this gross, whirling hype machine could probably not only feed an African village for a week, it could clear third world debt and therefore mean we'd be finally shot of arse-faced Bob Geldof and the sanctimonious twat Bono. But that's another story. Zeppelin, in my opinion are one of the greatest bands ever to have walked the earth, and are therefore worthy of a reunion, so a whole new generation of rabid fans, myself included can bask in their magical, mystical, musical glow, if only once.
This brings me to the point. If Zeppelin are reforming, what bands should NEVER see the light of day again? What bands should remain confined to the bargain bin and the back of your parent's (and shamefully your own) record collection, gathering a thick layer of dust. I have compiled a short list of bands that we should never have to endure again.
1. Limp Bizkit
Back in the day (2001) to be more specific, backwards cap sporting, gibbering chimp Fred Durst and his band of merry idiots ruled the hearts and minds of every greasy, lank haired, Satan loving, parent hating teenage troglydite in the land (yet again I feel ashamed) with their horrifically deformed 'musical' excretion nu-metal. Imagine a fat, sexually repressed truck driver shouting "No mum, I'm not coming in for my fucking tea, you can eat it your-fucking-self" over and over again to tinny industrial, yet massively over-produced guitars and 'scratching' that would make DJ Shadow vomit with rage. Thankfully they soon disappeared into obscurity when everyone realised that the music the band played was not music to kill yourself to, but music that made you want to kill yourself. Durst was last seen in a mobile phone sex tape, bloated with burgers and self loathing.
2. Nickleback
The origin of this giant Canadian turd's monicker came from the bassist's previous job in Starbucks where he would say on a daily basis; "Here's your coffee and your nickle back."
For those of you unaware, Nickleback sound like Pearl Jam being played by people with no talent. Hey presto! Millions of albums sold! Frontman Chad Kroeger happens to be one of the most odious excuses for a human being ever, wielding his arrogance like a massive club at festivals when he tried to have fans ejected if they didn't appear to be enjoying his coffee-shop-core take on grunge. The band's biggest hit 'How You Remind Me' only reminded me of what I hate about music. Let's hope the bassist remembers his Starbucks lingo because it won't be long till he's back there again working full time (God hoping).
3. The Spice Girls
Shit! Too late they've already reformed! Aargh quick kill it, kill it! Aim for the ginger one! Aim for the one with no talent! I know that's all of them! Come on, that's not an impenetrable shield, it's just a thick layer of botox and the glassy eyed stare of people so vacuous, they make Jodie Marsh look like the love-child of Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein. Quick! Hit it, it's still moving!
No comments:
Post a Comment