Recently, my thirst for news of all things Metal has been unquenchable, like a camel at a Guinness Brewery. I spent any spare time I have reading rock rags, sharing stories of upcoming album dates and tours with long-haired buddies, and surfing the web in an attempt to catch up with the latest news and stories from the world of metal, of which I am a fully paid-up, card carrying member. Or at least I would be should such officialdom exist.
On the vast majority of zines, fan pages, news sites and online mags, there is the option to become a member and with it, the option to comment on feature items, perhaps strike up a debate with other enthusiasts. Great! I thought. What better way to keep up with the scene, and also to add my own pearls of wisdom. Everyone likes to chip in don't they? I'm not a big fan of online social networking, although I do spend too much time on Facebook catching up with mates back home, but I have no desire to talk to people I don't know online, unless it's of worth. Like this blog for example.
So I was all set to stick my oar in, when I actually started to read some of the posts people had been leaving. And I wish I hadn't. I scrolled through page after page of the most hostile, brain-dead comments I've ever had the misfortune to read, mainly along the lines of "That band's fucking shit. I hate those lame faggots. They're generic and unoriginal and only pricks like them!" Endless accounts of why people don't like bands. How interesting and insightful!
Well no. It's not. In fact, it's pathetic. Now I know I am easily open to accusations of hypocrisy on this subject given the fact I like to rant about things. But always within reason. I dislike certain bands and aspects of the metal scene, but I don't hate for hate's sake, like some of the morons who post on Blabbermouth and Metal News. When did our scene become so fragmented? Aren't we supposed to stick together? While these may be fanciful notions on my part, they certainly have no place with the bickering, back-biting, juvenile mud-slinging, yet always anonymous posters I encountered online. I lost count of how many misspelt diatribes against any band who've ever sold more than 20 records there were, normally signed off with some salutation to kvlt black metal bands, a scene with notorious fascist links. And don't get me started on the frenzied, ranting rascist, sexist and homophobic messages that cropped up depressingly far too often.
This kind of thing belongs in the dark ages. Actually, it doesn't belong anywhere. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that some of the main voices from 'fans' come from bitter, sexually frustrated little idiots sat typing away in their parents' basements. People with no friends who are angry at the world. May'be they should be pitied? Or perhaps they should be beaten round the head with their sticky keyboards until they promise not to clog up the internet with shit from their polluted minds. It's your call.
Thursday 29 November 2007
Wednesday 21 November 2007
Are you ever going to stop?
Recently, a sherriff's department in North Dakota, USA carried out a sting operation in which 30 odd criminals with outstanding warrants were told details of a free party being held in the area, where all you had to do was turn up, party on down and then get to rock out with the legendary Ozzy Osbourne at a gig later that night, as free tickets were being handed out. Unfortunately, when said law dodgers turned up, undoubtedly grinning from ear to ear clutching a keg of lukewarm Budweiser they just robbed from the 7-11 down the street, instead of high fives and a ticket to the gates of paradise, it was more a case of spread 'em, cuff 'em, book 'em. Job well done eh fellas?
Yes the concert was a load of bollocks, made up by the bright sparks back at Donutville HQ, who explained that the trap was "a creative law enforcement technique to lure individuals who had active criminal warrants to come to us." So in other words, tell them it's their birthday then kick them in the balls when they try to open their presents. Instead of a night going crazy, as Ozzy does, they get to share a cell with a sweaty, 30-stone farmhand called Mandy who interferes with the sheep in the worst possible way. And all for free!
Unsurprisingly, 'ol Osbourne is a tad peeved at this besmirching of his good name. In a statement he said; "They went out of their way to imply that I attract a criminal element." And they did, didn't they? I can perhaps see the logic in holding a "Blunts, Glocks and Hoes party with special added Fiddy Cent appearance" if you want to snare some particularly nasty Crips members, but this takes the piss.
The vast majority of metalheads are decent, law-abiding members of society whose only crimes are getting a bit rowdy in the pit, chugging one-too-many brewskies and sometimes not washing for days on end, so why was alternative music dragged through the mud yet again for the purposes of chasing up some unpaid parking tickets?
Metal has had to put up with so much crap ever since Sabbath's first album, so wouldn't it be sweet if this latest example of stereotyping and all round idiocy is the last in a sad trend? So it could end, as it began, with Black Sabbath? Metalheads don't sacrifice babies during satanic rituals, Marilyn Manson lyrics don't make us shoot up schools, and all that headbanging doesn't erode our brain cells (actually that last one might be true... what was I talking about?)
I'm now picturing a load of fat redneck cops covering an AC/DC song on stage, so happy that their lame little scheme worked. Only if you listen closely, they've changed the lyrics to "For those about to rock, we condemn you!"
Yes the concert was a load of bollocks, made up by the bright sparks back at Donutville HQ, who explained that the trap was "a creative law enforcement technique to lure individuals who had active criminal warrants to come to us." So in other words, tell them it's their birthday then kick them in the balls when they try to open their presents. Instead of a night going crazy, as Ozzy does, they get to share a cell with a sweaty, 30-stone farmhand called Mandy who interferes with the sheep in the worst possible way. And all for free!
Unsurprisingly, 'ol Osbourne is a tad peeved at this besmirching of his good name. In a statement he said; "They went out of their way to imply that I attract a criminal element." And they did, didn't they? I can perhaps see the logic in holding a "Blunts, Glocks and Hoes party with special added Fiddy Cent appearance" if you want to snare some particularly nasty Crips members, but this takes the piss.
The vast majority of metalheads are decent, law-abiding members of society whose only crimes are getting a bit rowdy in the pit, chugging one-too-many brewskies and sometimes not washing for days on end, so why was alternative music dragged through the mud yet again for the purposes of chasing up some unpaid parking tickets?
Metal has had to put up with so much crap ever since Sabbath's first album, so wouldn't it be sweet if this latest example of stereotyping and all round idiocy is the last in a sad trend? So it could end, as it began, with Black Sabbath? Metalheads don't sacrifice babies during satanic rituals, Marilyn Manson lyrics don't make us shoot up schools, and all that headbanging doesn't erode our brain cells (actually that last one might be true... what was I talking about?)
I'm now picturing a load of fat redneck cops covering an AC/DC song on stage, so happy that their lame little scheme worked. Only if you listen closely, they've changed the lyrics to "For those about to rock, we condemn you!"
Tuesday 6 November 2007
Stay dead
Anyone with a passing interest in rock music has, for the last few weeks been going absolutely spare what with the announcement that one of the 70's most revered and infamous bands (Led Zeppelin for those of you living in a cave) are to reform for a series of gigs. Over a million people tried to register for tickets when the website went live, most of them middle-aged bank managers whose days of shaking their flare-clad hips to the pulsating blues of 'Rock and Roll' and 'Black Dog' are but a distant memory.
The band members are set to make millions from their brief appearances, thus adding another layer of diamonds to their respective toilet seats, while corporate promoter Harvey Goldsmith laughes all the way to his, I imagine by now, enormous bank vault. The money generated every second by this gross, whirling hype machine could probably not only feed an African village for a week, it could clear third world debt and therefore mean we'd be finally shot of arse-faced Bob Geldof and the sanctimonious twat Bono. But that's another story. Zeppelin, in my opinion are one of the greatest bands ever to have walked the earth, and are therefore worthy of a reunion, so a whole new generation of rabid fans, myself included can bask in their magical, mystical, musical glow, if only once.
This brings me to the point. If Zeppelin are reforming, what bands should NEVER see the light of day again? What bands should remain confined to the bargain bin and the back of your parent's (and shamefully your own) record collection, gathering a thick layer of dust. I have compiled a short list of bands that we should never have to endure again.
1. Limp Bizkit
Back in the day (2001) to be more specific, backwards cap sporting, gibbering chimp Fred Durst and his band of merry idiots ruled the hearts and minds of every greasy, lank haired, Satan loving, parent hating teenage troglydite in the land (yet again I feel ashamed) with their horrifically deformed 'musical' excretion nu-metal. Imagine a fat, sexually repressed truck driver shouting "No mum, I'm not coming in for my fucking tea, you can eat it your-fucking-self" over and over again to tinny industrial, yet massively over-produced guitars and 'scratching' that would make DJ Shadow vomit with rage. Thankfully they soon disappeared into obscurity when everyone realised that the music the band played was not music to kill yourself to, but music that made you want to kill yourself. Durst was last seen in a mobile phone sex tape, bloated with burgers and self loathing.
2. Nickleback
The origin of this giant Canadian turd's monicker came from the bassist's previous job in Starbucks where he would say on a daily basis; "Here's your coffee and your nickle back."
For those of you unaware, Nickleback sound like Pearl Jam being played by people with no talent. Hey presto! Millions of albums sold! Frontman Chad Kroeger happens to be one of the most odious excuses for a human being ever, wielding his arrogance like a massive club at festivals when he tried to have fans ejected if they didn't appear to be enjoying his coffee-shop-core take on grunge. The band's biggest hit 'How You Remind Me' only reminded me of what I hate about music. Let's hope the bassist remembers his Starbucks lingo because it won't be long till he's back there again working full time (God hoping).
3. The Spice Girls
Shit! Too late they've already reformed! Aargh quick kill it, kill it! Aim for the ginger one! Aim for the one with no talent! I know that's all of them! Come on, that's not an impenetrable shield, it's just a thick layer of botox and the glassy eyed stare of people so vacuous, they make Jodie Marsh look like the love-child of Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein. Quick! Hit it, it's still moving!
The band members are set to make millions from their brief appearances, thus adding another layer of diamonds to their respective toilet seats, while corporate promoter Harvey Goldsmith laughes all the way to his, I imagine by now, enormous bank vault. The money generated every second by this gross, whirling hype machine could probably not only feed an African village for a week, it could clear third world debt and therefore mean we'd be finally shot of arse-faced Bob Geldof and the sanctimonious twat Bono. But that's another story. Zeppelin, in my opinion are one of the greatest bands ever to have walked the earth, and are therefore worthy of a reunion, so a whole new generation of rabid fans, myself included can bask in their magical, mystical, musical glow, if only once.
This brings me to the point. If Zeppelin are reforming, what bands should NEVER see the light of day again? What bands should remain confined to the bargain bin and the back of your parent's (and shamefully your own) record collection, gathering a thick layer of dust. I have compiled a short list of bands that we should never have to endure again.
1. Limp Bizkit
Back in the day (2001) to be more specific, backwards cap sporting, gibbering chimp Fred Durst and his band of merry idiots ruled the hearts and minds of every greasy, lank haired, Satan loving, parent hating teenage troglydite in the land (yet again I feel ashamed) with their horrifically deformed 'musical' excretion nu-metal. Imagine a fat, sexually repressed truck driver shouting "No mum, I'm not coming in for my fucking tea, you can eat it your-fucking-self" over and over again to tinny industrial, yet massively over-produced guitars and 'scratching' that would make DJ Shadow vomit with rage. Thankfully they soon disappeared into obscurity when everyone realised that the music the band played was not music to kill yourself to, but music that made you want to kill yourself. Durst was last seen in a mobile phone sex tape, bloated with burgers and self loathing.
2. Nickleback
The origin of this giant Canadian turd's monicker came from the bassist's previous job in Starbucks where he would say on a daily basis; "Here's your coffee and your nickle back."
For those of you unaware, Nickleback sound like Pearl Jam being played by people with no talent. Hey presto! Millions of albums sold! Frontman Chad Kroeger happens to be one of the most odious excuses for a human being ever, wielding his arrogance like a massive club at festivals when he tried to have fans ejected if they didn't appear to be enjoying his coffee-shop-core take on grunge. The band's biggest hit 'How You Remind Me' only reminded me of what I hate about music. Let's hope the bassist remembers his Starbucks lingo because it won't be long till he's back there again working full time (God hoping).
3. The Spice Girls
Shit! Too late they've already reformed! Aargh quick kill it, kill it! Aim for the ginger one! Aim for the one with no talent! I know that's all of them! Come on, that's not an impenetrable shield, it's just a thick layer of botox and the glassy eyed stare of people so vacuous, they make Jodie Marsh look like the love-child of Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein. Quick! Hit it, it's still moving!
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